The first phase, “Inversions,” was a way of coping for the collapse of my relationship at the end of July.

I started my own process of decompression on Lake Michigan for a few days, considering where I was feeling called towards.

In the heat of the summer, I chose to head towards the mountains through Montana, leading me to Mt. Rainier (Tacoma).

I hiked all the way up to the Glaciers the one day, not really being prepared and just wanting to see.

I was able to find a return to the parts of myself which I have always loved, which always restore my soul and vitality.

One thing leads into the next, but everybody knows that- right? Right.

This journey eventually brought me down to Albuquerque, and all along I was continuing conversations with my ex-partner.

We had been through many different breaking points in our relationship over the years, and each time the breaking points would allow for a breakthrough.

This is my opinion, and I could share many stories to call witness to this. We had many beautiful moments which were triumphant for her as a woman and me as a man.

Relationships are very challenging in the time we are living- factoring larger movements outside of our control yet impact us personally + locally + globally.

What more to say about this? How do we confront the space between our fears and our dreams?

What is love when it is not tainted by desperation?

In our minds, the sensible solution was to move to Austin, TX: there were potentially spaces yet known to us where “cultural conversation” is more accessible.

Is this true? Absolutely, it is true.
Is it true for all qualities of the cultural conversation?

That remains to be seen clearly, through my eyes at least. But I’ve been told I am egotistical for my art, so take my opinion with any salts you snort (as “they” say).

I returned to Southern Illinois towards the end of October, and stayed there until January 5th.

The plan was to create an artwork for my friend’s business, and this felt like the right time and right direction to take.

My intention was to see this project through, and to find a home for our family to move into. If you know me, you know that there were many conversations and actions taken in this time.

One thing led into another, business became busy (not for me but my friend) as the New Year was already emerging; I was not able to start the art project during this time.

In the meantime, while I was in “limbo,” I decided to explore my own involvement with the “art world” that was being revealed to me.

When I arrived in Austin, TX on January 10th, a friend of mine who was living in a van previously was now living in a collective’s studio space. That day was an “Open Studio.”

I was curious to exercise new discussions with artists, and invited many artists to the idea of an interview when I visited his collective.

In total, I was able to record about 10 interviews which were, on average, between 2 hours and 4 hours long.

Did I have any real plans with these? Not really; I was just having fun and was wanting to explore a new space of expression (video editing is overwhelming and not for me right now).

Because of the nature of the unique space which exists within periods of time without any true structure,

Many opportunities for connection were opened up.

I was able to come closer to understanding what I am truly seeking in relationships and connections with other artists.

As March was coming, pressures were building in the relationship with my partner.

I was planning to be back by Mid-March, and the project was originally planned to be complete by then.

The fact that I was floating around (engaging with many people in the ways that I do [while honoring my loyalties]), my fidelity was called into question by my partner.

She was conflicted regarding the truth between my words and my actions. She was convinced that I was cheating on her- at the very least “ENERGETICALLY”….

Despite all evidence through the years of my intentions and consistency, this was a strong pressure point which broke our relationship when a married woman bought “Intuit: Nothin’ to It.”

Although all was clear between me and my new friend (platonic relationship with similar aspirations towards community), my partner was unwilling to consider this.

We broke up for about 10 days in February, which led to compromise- I will return as was originally planned, Mid-March, and I had secured a place where we were welcome to move.

In this, it was already clear where things were headed- but I was unwilling to give up on what I saw so close. Sure, it was close- but a canyon separated the space from “here” to “there.”

What did I really see, though?

She went to find closure with someone she was “with” in years past; her decision to do this was leveraged entirely against the trust in our relationship.

I returned to my partner and the girls March 12th, and stayed with them until April 25th.

On Friday night, April 24th, my partner and I went out on a date- for me, it felt like this was a moment for arrival and to simply celebrate where we have arrived.

But something wasn’t clear to me, and I couldn’t understand why there were issues arising between us.

That night, I slept out in my van in the backyard. In the morning, nothing had settled- it had only become more pressurized.

In the kindest terms I can put it, I was told by her that she cheated on me.

She didn’t tell me any details, but when I guessed the time (when she met someone to “bring closure”), she confirmed the truth.

That day I packed up my things and chose to move on, accepting the full closure of our relationship and connection.

Although I do hold a deep love for all that we had experienced together, I understand now where the blind desperation existed.

Within myself, within her, within our relationship and approach to life altogether.

I hope to return to friendship with her and her daughters in the future, but the complexities which arise from such a severance can only be healed through time and space.

I hold no regrets for any of the decisions I have made over the years with my ex-partner, because I can see how much she has come to grow into a sense of freedom for herself.

My fears were always this, and I think this was something which I stand to learn from. She has chosen for herself what is right for her and her daughters in her heart, and I accept this.

Today (5.26.26/4:54am/Bennu on Congress ATX), many things have come to dissolve for many unseen things to emerge. What is being seen clearly?

I believe I recognize shortsighted decisions within artist collectives to appeal to the comforts of all,

Which then limit new conversations from emerging due to the notion that comforts should not be challenged- the focus MUST ONLY be on the notion of “art.” Notions!

“Comforts Kill.”

After all is said and done, I come to peace with the acknowledgment that my style of approach is intense for many.

Those who recognize where I am moving from in my actions and intent meet me in both the action and the conversation.

What do I know? This is the claim that I am making, by the evidence of what has come to transpire over time.

Am I investing trust into people who I have just recently met yet feel a deeper connection, and witness this by the quality of connection?

I think that this type of action defines Trust- setting it as the foremost intention within relationship is the foundation which can stand through time.

Nobody is hurting anybody. Nobody is moving from a place of coercion or manipulation. Nobody is chasing debate for philosophical masturbation.

But how incredible it is to see that so many people see these things in me!

What is being lost in translation? What is even being communicated at all, if such is the case?

Why does distrust hold such a point of leverage? It is so willing to break the weak-point of its own sowing!

To then proclaim, “LOOK AT WHAT YOU’VE MADE ME DO!!!”

How do we confront the space between our fears and our dreams?

There can be no “Plan B.” Life is the ONLY plan. Ah, yes- poetic abstractions. Trauma fuels all distortions: I am in full belief of this at this point in my life.

Why pull back full faith in the investment of the Heart’s Vision? What does this tell you about Trust and Faith? Why do we exist?

I feel such an immense pity for the good-hearted people who suffer shame and guilt as a virus within the mind. And what to say of those without shame! (is this projection?)

The suffering of my life is not for me to explain to anyone. If you look at me and think, “must be EASY for him!”

You fail to consider the fact that I am also a human living in this time, hyper-aware of the colossal forms of decay and corruption which have infected the human condition.

I have suffered the loss of my family because of it. I have suffered the loss of my culture because of it. Are we playing competition for sadness and justification for coping?

Stories are easily generated in the minds of the lazy. Bigotry runs rampant, but hides its face behind well-applied makeup. The marks of despair show still.

Do you see for yourself how much contradiction exists within your approach to art? Pressurized, coping; running off adrenaline versus inspiration.

There are greater conversations to expand into with creative vision and talented hands. Why is this pursuit such an uphill battle against the wind?

Ah yes, I forgot- I can stop giving a fuck pretty quickly about things which are outside of my control or influence.

Relationships which are reciprocal are the crowning achievement, and this reciprocity is known by merit of the connection’s vitality.

Does anybody think about where sickness originates? Let me guess, I must be the “Energy Vampire” then?

Life is a long song, and many styles have yet to be discovered.

I will leave this story open-ended, for it will spontaneously lead into the next series.

I do not know where or when that will come to pass, but the stories are becoming enriched by merit of what was released- for everyone’s sake.

After all is said and done, I am grateful for everyone who has welcomed me to explore thoughts and experiences.

It is never my intent to agitate, and yet I do feel that there is a great joy which is underneath of it.

I am not speaking of my own joy of agitating! I am speaking specifically to the consideration: what are we talking about, as artists? Genuinely?

I will leave Austin, TX on May 28th; there are still a few more connections left to revisit to see where things stand.

Few connections dissolved; few connections were strengthened; few connections stayed in the rhythm and the flow of it all.

My next journey started long before I realized it to be true, but then again- what more can I do?

Thank you for your time to take in my work and words of reflection.

-Matthew